Arrggh. Why do I seem to do nothing but bloody housework all weekend? There seems to be self-replicating pile of washing and I’m sure greese oozes out of the kitchen work surfaces while I’m not looking. Certain types of housework I don’t mind, but some of the necessary chores really irritate me:
1. Taking the bin out - that’s Mark job. I loathe touching the bin. I can just about cope with putting a new bin liner in it after it’s been emptied.
2. Making the bed. Stripping the bed’s OK, washing the bedding is OK, drying the bedding is OK. But I hate wrestling with the duvet trying to get it back in the cover. And why do pillows seem to expand when you remove their cases making it really hard to squeeze them back in?
3. Tidying the living room. It should be such a simple task, but where do all the bits of paper come from? Everywhere you look there are bills, TV magazines, letters from Oxfam, kitchenware catalogues and supermarket receipts. What do you do with them? Should you file them, throw them away, build a bonfire, recycle them or leave them to evolve into a new paper-based lifeform?
4. Cleaning the microwave. I never even use it so why is the inside always covered in tomato splats?
5. Cleaning the fridge. Everything is kept in plastic packaging so just how does it escape to form a crud on the bottom beneath the salad/vegetable boxes?
6. Mopping the floor - it’s not really the mopping of the floor that is the problem. It’s the having to hoover it first to get rid of all the bits, then fill the bucket with water (which means you have to have done all the washing up first so that you can get in the sink). Then you mop the floor for a couple of minutes, and try to squeeze the mop out sufficiently to vaguely dry the floor, rinse the mop (in dirty water - what’s the point?) and slide around on the wet floor trying to get back to the sink to throw the dirty water away. Yes, you should refill the bucket so that you can rinse the mop properly, but by then you’re so demoralised by the experience that it’s all you can do to rinse out the sink.
7. Washing up. Is it me or do dishes dirty themselves? I’m sure we don’t use that many pots and pans and yet, there they all are crowding the worksurface, jostling to see who can get close enough to the edge to fall off and smash into a thousand tiny pieces when someone walks past.
8. Cleaning up a broken glass. You never do find every shard at the time, no matter how long you spend carefully hoovering the room. You find the last bit later - with your bare feet. Are feet magnetic for broken glass (and three-pronged plugs)?
9. Cleaning windows. Well, that should just be left to the professionals.
10. Cleaning the oven. Life’s too short. Buy a new oven.