Gingerjo’s Blog

I haven’t tried Mr McKenna’s techniques yet, but to be honest I gave up on self-loathing a few months ago and have achieved a state of self-indifference, which is greatly preferable. I’m still working on self-love, but I don’t expect miracles.

I’ve not been criticising myself in the mirror all that much of late. Sometimes I look and think ‘Oh God, is that bulge still there?’ or ‘Urggh, look at that horrible whitehead, that’s going to take days to heal’, or ‘I hate it when my hair goes frizzy like that’.

I’ve taken to ignoring my internal critic because of an epiphany I had recently. While watching a not particularly attractive guy admiring himself in a shop window it struck me that the main difference between men and women is what they see when they look in the mirror.

When most women look in the mirror all they see are their faults, the imperfections that deviate from the ideal we’re sold by advertising. We then dwell on these percieved imperfections and feel rubbish about ourselves. Whether these imperfections or real or imaginary is irrelevant.

Conversely, when most men look in the mirror they see Steve MacQueen staring back at them. Whether they are good looking or not is irrelevant.

Hence men generally feel good about themselves, are less critical of themselves and other people, more upbeat and often more fun to be around. There’s a lot of advantages to having a Y chromosome and I can’t help feeling that this is possibly the most important one.

Perhaps Paul’s techniques can help me see a babe whenever I catch my reflection in a shop window. Failing that I’m happy with being released from my state of negative self-obsession - which is what self-loathing is. When you boil it down self-loathing stems from the arrogant belief that everyone else in the world has nothing more important on their minds than whether you have a fat arse or a zit on your chin.

Well, it was the last Paul McKenna I Can Make You Thin show tonight. It was a bit of a whirlwind really so I’m not sure I remember it all. Hence I’m going to write it down to see if I can get it straight in my head.

Basically a lot of us beat ourselves up everyday, criticising ourselves which lowers our self-esteem. Some of us then comfort eat and then feel guilty, and of course get fatter, which means we criticise ourselves even more. We find ourselves trapped in a nasty cycle unable to break free.

Paul had a series of mental activities to help us overcome our self-loathing.

Firstly imagine yourself looking at yourself in the mirror. What do you normally say to yourself? ‘God you’re fat’, ‘Look at all those lumpy bits’, etc. Next imagine taking your internal voice outside your body somewhere in front of you. Have it say those things to you again but in a really silly voice. This makes the comments you beat yourself up with seem ridiculous.

Next reach your arm out in front of you (any arm) palm up. Concentrate on the aspects of yourself that you don’t like and imagine all that negative feeling traveling through your body into an imaginary ball on your outstretched hand. Fill that ball up with all your unpleasant feelings and criticisms - what colour is it, visualise it. Then throw the ball away and wipe your hands of it.

Next imagine someone who loves you, who respects you and values you, standing in front of you. Imagine leaving your own body and floating into them. Take a look at yourself through their eyes - what do you see? They don’t see you how you see yourself - they see lots of good points. Feel the love and respect that they have for you. See those good points that you’re constantly ignoring about yourself. You start to feel good about yourself.

Next stand in front of a large miror and imagine someone iconic, someone you think is beautiful or handsome standing in front of you. Again imagine you float from your body into theirs. Pretend their body is your body. How would you feel if that was your body? You’d be gorgeous. Imagine how they must feel looking at themselves in the mirror (or how you would feel looking at yourself inside their body, because in reality they probably have as many hang-ups about their physical appearance as you do!). Carry yourself as they would carry themselves. You’re a star baby, yeah! When you are feeling really good about yourself open your eyes and look at yourself in the mirror.

Hopefully you look much more attractive to yourself. See you’re not such a bad old stick after all are you?

I’m sure there was another thing you had to do as well, but I can’t remember what it was.

So last night Paul McKenna was telling us how to get motivated. Basically you extend the technique used to beat cravings.

He reckons the reason why a lot of people hate exercise is because of unpleasant experiences in the past - maybe in school. Then when you start to put on weight you occasionally try to get fit and go at it too hard, perhaps even injuring yourself. This reinforces the negative associations you have with exercise making the problem worse. He points out that getting fit doesn’t have to start with a 2 hour gym session every day. It can start with an extra 5 minute walk, parking further from the supermarket, walking to the corner shop, marching on the spot during TV ad breaks. You build it up slowly and let your body get fit over time. Don’t hammer yourself.

To help with motivation, you imagine a time you felt really good and press your RIGHT thumb and middlefinger together. Keep imagining and pressing and add in the memory of a time you felt really motivated or just imagine feeling really motivated - you feel good. When you’re imagining you’re feeling really good and really motivated then add in the idea of walking an extra few steps, running up the stairs and how good you’ll feel for having done this. All the time you keep that right thumb and middle finger firmly pressed together. then next time you want to boost your motivation you press your right thumb and middle finger together and bam, off you go.

I guess eventually the plan is that you get a craving for chocolate or crisps and end up going for a walk instead.

Of course the problem is I have a rather poor imagination so I’m failing to build up the pictures in my mind. But of course trying to do it while you’re watching the telly is rather distracting too, so maybe I need to try it when I can get some peace and quiet. I perhaps I should just skip the imagining, wait till I am actually feeling really good and motivated and then give it a try.

I’ve been feeling a bit down all week thinking about all the weight I’ve put on over Christmas. But I really oughtn’t to be so hard on myself. Even with that, as of today I’ve still lost over 30lb!! That’s a lot - I should be proud of myself and use that to motivate myself to keep going.

I’m not a huge one for cravings. I sometimes get an overwhelming urge to eat tinned mackerel, but I think that might be my body telling me it needs some essential fatty acids. I don’t think it’s quite the same as craving chocolate really.

Anyway, last night Paul McKenna was telling us how to beat cravings by conditioning our minds (a bit like Pavlov and his dogs, but much less drastic). It has two stages.

First off you have to set up a way of inducing revulsion at the object of your cravings. Press your thumb and middle finger together on your LEFT hand and then imagine a food that you hate (eg anchovies, sprouts) and imagine a plate of them and that you take a fork, put some in your mouth and start chewing. Then add something really gross to the mix like hair off a barber’s shop floor or worms or my personal favourite some random guy’s jizz. Then imagine your eating that - hopefully you should start feeling really disgusted and maybe even nauseous. Then mix in your craving food aswell. That should put you off the food you’ve been craving. All the time you should keep your thumb and middle finger pressed tightly together. Your subconcious should then associate the sense of disgust with pressing together your left thumb and middle finger.

Then you need to replace the lost good feeling you get from satisfying your craving. You do this by pressing your thumb and middle finger together on your RIGHT hand and then remembering a time when you felt really happy or pleased with yourself. Work through a really good memory, savouring the joy or enjoyment you felt, then select more good memories and do the same. All the time keep your right thumb and middle finger firmly pressed together. Your subconcious will then associate feeling good with pressing together your right thumb and middle finger.

Next time you have a craving press your left thumb and middle finger together. Your craving should disappear. However, because something bad has probably happened to cause the craving in the first place you need to make yourself feel better so press your right thumb and middle finger together. Hopefully whatever has upset you (stress usually) won’t seem so bad now.

I tried doing this, but I haven’t any foods I crave particularly (although cheese rolls are a problem thinking about it). Perhaps I should wait until I have a craving and then try it. Apparently it can also help with stress, which I do suffer from so I think it’s worth a go.

Well Paul McKenna says that an American psychologist has developed a tapping routine that allows you to stop comfort eating. So I’ll give it a go.

First you tap the side of your cheak with your index and middle finger - maybe 10 times (doesn’t matter which side).
Then you tap your collar bone a few times (on the same side of your body)
Then you go back to tapping your cheak a few times (on the same side)
Then you tap the back of your hand (on the same side), and then the side of your hand below your little finger (on the same side).
Keep tapping the side of your hand and close your eyes for a moment, then open them again. Then you look down to the right, then down to the left, then take your eyes in a big circle all the way around keeping your head still. Then circle your eyes back around in the opposite direction.
Don’t forget to keep tapping the side of your hand all the time.
Then hum a little tune for a few moments, then count out loud from 1 to 5, then hum the tune again for a few moments. Then tap your cheak again for a few times.

You might have to repeat this sequence 7-10 times, but when you’ve finished you should be able to resist the urge to comfort eat.

I dunno if it’s works - I haven’t had the desire to comfort eat yet. Well possibly I have but I’ve been allowed whatever food it is within my WW points allowance for the day so I don’t regard it as comfort eating - simply as eating my daily quota.

Well I’ve been very naughty over Christmas and New Year. I’ve done nothing but eat cheese, salami and fruit cake, and sit on my bum - not a good combination for weight loss really. Consequently when I went to WW last night I was told I’d put on 5.5 lbs. Which I didn’t think was too bad - I was expecting it to be more! Apparently the national average weight gain is 5lbs each over Christmas. No wonder the class was swamped with newbies last night!

But, I’m back on the plan again now. A good girl all the way. I’m finding it difficult actually, particularly around chocolate and cakes. Mark’s been very good and hidden all the chocolate away, but there’s still quarter of a fruit cake in the kitchen that keeps eyeing me seductively. I wish Mark would hurry up and eat it!

The thing I’m struggling with most is portion sizes. I still haven’t mastered them. I’m now watching Paul McKenna’s I Can Make You Thin on LivingTV to see if he can help. So far he has 4 golden rules:

1. Eat when you’re hungry.
2. Eat what you want (no chance mate - WW all the way for me!).
3. Eat consciously (no distractions, chew each mouthful 20 times, concentrate on the taste of the food).
4. Stop when you’re full (ah, there’s the catch!).

So far I’m not doing very well - I’m eating soup while typing on the computer which is a major distraction, but then I’m finding it difficult to chew soup 20 times before swallowing.

Since teatime is the bigger problem I’ve told Mark we’ll be eating at the table tonight with the telly turned off. Well, there’s no harm in trying. If Paul can help me hear my tummy saying it’s full then I’ll go for that.

I’ve just realised - it’s week 15 of my diet so I’m half way there. Both in terms of time and even better in weight too.

Having tried my dress on recently I’ve been able to revise my necessary weight loss for the wedding. It’s much closer to fitting than I expected it to be so I don’t think I really need aim for 10 stone. I think somewhere between 10st 7lb and 10st 10lb will be just about right.

It has to be said I’m feeling great - mostly because I’m now a size 14/16 and everyone keeps telling me how fab I look. Certainly shopping is fun again! It’s a bit of a rush really.

In some ways I can understand how people become obsessed with achieving a really high level of control over their eating, but it’s not for me. I don’t want to become a rake, but I do think the health benefits of losing my blimphood are significant. I feel more energetic, and I haven’t had indigestion in months, and sometimes I even get the urge to run.

Perhaps now I can relax a bit and have a few chocolates over Christmas.

I’ve had a long weekend - how was it? It was glorious!

Saturday I spend chilling out in front of the telly while making a necklace and finishing off modifying the handbag I’ve bought to go with my wedding dress. I’m soo glad Sky 1, 2 and 3 are back on Virgin TV. I’ve really missed Stargate and Bones.

Sunday I confess I chilled out in a big way - I had a long lie in, a luxurious bath and then went and did the weekly shopping - well there had to be some semblance of the normal routine. Then I cooked Mark and I a yummy fillet steak dinner.

Today - well today I had a long list of things to do because I hadn’t done anything the whole weekend. I spent the morning catching up with Mum’s website - that took a good 3 hours. Then I did the ironing (no, honestly). Then I did the washing, well at least most of it. Then I did the washing up.

Then I took all the clothes that were too big for me to the charity shop, but I kept one big pair of trousers and a big top as evidence.

Then I went clothes shopping - I was supposed to go to Asda in search of cheap trousers, but I ended up in M&S in the Trafford Centre instead (for somewhat convoluted reasons) where I got distracted by Per Una and ended up buying a rather expensive but truly gorgeous Christmas skirt and top for going out in. I had to do it - the skirt is a size 14 - a size 14!! And it fits perfectly. The top is a size 16, and is probably a smidge tight but I’ll get away with it. Then, even better, I found a cheap pair of work trousers - also size 14, so I bought them too. Then I remembered that my belt was too big as well so I bought a spangly snakeskin belt from Next. I had real fun shopping for clothes for the first time in years. No longer am I a mishapen freak.

When I got home I made a curry from scratch - making the paste in my spice grinder and everything. Then it was off to Weight Watchers. Now after last week’s failure I’ve been super stringent this week. Basically I’ve done the points plan just eating core foods. I really wanted to loose 3lb because that would get me to my interim goal and exactly the weight I planned to be when I planned to be there. I am delighted because I lost - 3lb!!! Well done to me! Also this evening, they revealed the new plan - Discover - funnily enough it’s basically the points plan where you eat core foods - at least I know it works!!

This week I was supposed to be studing for the CIM exam on Thursday, but given everything that’s going on at work, plus all the pressure I’m piling on myself at home I decided to leave it till the summer. Come May/June I know I will regret it, but work have been very supportive and have let me book two weeks off work to study for the two exams I’ll have to do then. Turns out this was probably a good decision as Mark has got an Ofsted inspection at work this week and is really stressed. It would have been awful if we’d both been really grumpy and time starved this week.

Or rather an old hobby revisited…

I bought a handbag to go with my wedding dress covered in little silver crystals but I felt it could be brightened up with some little blue crystals so I went to Hobbycraft and bought a little pair of pliers and a mixed bag of crystals. I’ve been toying with the idea of taking up jewellery making again (haven’t done it since I was a teenager) and thought this would be a good time to dip my toes in the water.

I really enjoyed it - it’s painstaking work but I’ve always been good at concentrating on fiddly tasks and it keeps my fingers occupied. All the time they are manipulating little beads and stones they are not reaching for the fridge door.

So I went back and bought a necklace making kit - I thought the necklace in question would go well with my bellydancing skirt and top. I’ve never actually made a necklace before (I always used to make earrings) but after a bit of practice tying the knots I made a pretty decent job of it. I don’t think you can tell it’s home made. Indeed I was admiring a necklace in Dorothy Perkins this afternoon that used just the same techniques.

I think a visit to the jewellery making bits and bobs section of eBay may be in order - it might help keep me from raiding the fridge over the Christmas holiday!